The Good Enough Parent
The task of a parent is infinitely important in a child’s development. As psychologists, we continue to observe the effect of early maladaptive parent-child interactions in our adult clients. But is there such a thing as the perfect parent? It surely is impossible to always fulfil our child’s needs or to protect him or her from harm’s way. Is perfection the only qualification to raise a psychologically integrated child?
The term “good enough mother” was coined by Donald Winnicott in 1958. Winincott was a pediatrician and psychiatrist, notable for his contribution in the development of self in early parent-child relationship. The task of a good enough parent is to gradually increase the child’s tolerance for frustration and ability to self-soothe. In the earliest stage, the infant has no sense of self and completely relies on his mother. She must reliably attend to every crying and screaming as she holds and comforts every emotion too overwhelming for the infant to tolerate. Over time the infant learns that it is okay experience and let go of these feelings. The mother then delays attending to every cry and the infant becomes disillusioned, “My fantasy world where every pleasure is met is not real!”. He must periodically rely on himself for comfort. Here the concept of self emerged as he begins his journey towards independence.
The good enough parent allows the child to experience unpleasant emotions and willingly contain these feelings without becoming overwhelmed by it themselves. In contrast, the perfect parent creates an environment where the experience of unpleasant emotions is minimal. Minimal frustration, minimal distress, maximum protection, maximum comfort. Under the guise of love and care, it is often the perfect parent’s inability to hold difficult emotions and comfort themselves, that compels them to create a faultless environment for their child.
Unfortunately, life isn’t staged in such a way. If anything, it can be rough and spiteful where failure is not even an option. The key point about the good enough parent is to consistently provide comfort and fulfil the infant’s needs in the beginning of life, and to gradually delay the time in attending to him until he can do it himself.