A Psychologist’s Take on Modern Love: Are Boyfriends Out of Style Now?

In the Fall of 2025, British Vogue wrote a sensational article, titled Is It Embarrassing to Have a Boyfriend Now?. In the article, the author reflected on the antiquated social prestige conferred by a woman’s boyfriend, whether it has become “uncool to be a boyfriend-girl” in a modern society. The New Yorker Cartoon also published a satirical illustration of a woman walking away from a man, captioned: Don’t worry- I’ll see you when boyfriends are en vogue again.

Clearly, this is constrained to heterosexual relationships, so I shall refer to this context hereinafter.

It has indeed been a leap for women to even ponder such topics, shifting the focus from a male-centric world to one that includes female perspectives. The number of women with university degrees and higher earning power than their male partners has increased exponentially in the 21st century. With greater financial independence and autonomy, it makes sense that women might increasingly question the value of having a male partner at all. Supporting this, a study at the University of Toronto found that single women reported higher life satisfaction than both married women and single men (Hoan & MacDonald, Soc. Psychol. Personal Sci., 2024).

One might expect Vogue’s article to lament men, but instead it offered observations (albeit from a biased sample) about the guilt and shame some women feel for having a male partner.

It would be reductionistic to say having a male partner is all good or all bad. Villainising men won’t get us far. The issue lies less with individual men than with medieval gender norms and societal expectations that no longer fit our post-war, post-industrial world. It also overlooks relational dynamics where attachment styles affect the partners we choose that may reinforce unhealthy patterns of love, and this isn’t inherently gendered.

Perhaps a more meaningful question is why do women feel guilty and shameful for having boyfriends?

For many independent women who are successful in their careers and personal lives, a male partner’s lack of ambition or drive can be deeply frustrating. Often, this frustration reflects not only the partner’s shortcomings but also her experience of trying (and often failing) to mother him into greater motivation or achievement.

When that effort fails, the shame that rightly belongs to her partner becomes internalised, as if his lack of success is her responsibility. Combined with her inherited beliefs about serving others at her own expense, it’s easy to see how she might feel guilty, thinking that if she tried harder or changed something, everything would be perfect, and therefore it must be at least partly her fault.If I have to explore deeper, I wonder if it’s also an unconscious projection of her boyfriend’s shame and guilt for his underachievements or inadequacy that she willingly absorbs out of love. However, by carrying the emotional burden, she inadvertently absolves him of the responsibility and robs him of the chance to step into his full potential, a perfect breeding ground for resentment.

Underneath this, I think women are simply disappointed. Even after achieving the promised independence that her mother and grandmother could only dream of, she is still not reaping the expected social and relational benefits. Men have not given her more respect, objectified her less, or shown more emotional maturity. If anything, her capability now is blamed for impeding men, as reflected in the culture of incels and toxic masculinity.

I believe on the surface, some women may feel embarrassed to have boyfriends; but beneath that, she is disappointed, which sometimes feels harder to bear than shame and guilt. Shame and guilt at least give her some control, a feeling that change is possible. In contrast, disappointment requires acceptance (and even submission) that a broader sociocultural shift may never happen in her lifetime and this is the best she can hope for presently. Overcompensation is reluctantly the joy and bane of her existence, giving her a freedom that occasionally reminds her of the price, like tasting sweet lemons that won’t let her forget that they were sour first.

So, what now? Can’t seem to get it right either way.

If I had to guess, our world will eventually adapt. I hope it does in a way that lets women step back, lean into her strengths, and honour her desires and limits, while also giving men room to let go of traditional roles and expectations, and find his own footing and courage in this inevitable social shift.